A Flawed Legacy - 20

The easy part was finding "homes" for our youngsters.  The girls were eager to go to a friend's home who had been certified by the State and the boys went to a home that appealed to me.  There were other boys, the home was definitely led by a caring man and I was comfortable with the plans.  I expected we were on our way to real solutions for our most serious problems.

The Greyhound bus left on a bust Saturday afternoon.  It was May 9, 1975.  I went to sleep while we were riding past the desert areas of Southern California and after more sleep at night, we were in Phoenix, AZ, in the early morning hours.  Time for breakfast and I began to realize how unprepared I was for this trip.  Breakfast left me with $10 in my pocket.  That made me realize how important it was for all of us for me to be very careful about how I spent my resources.  I would need to get back to California   So, as we headed North, I decided I needed to "bone up" on my Bible studies as I would be meeting with a man, I assumed to know the Bible from the first page to the last.

Where to start?  Certainly not with the Older Testament as every attempt I had ever made to read the Bible would leave me confused as to why it was discussing old men with long names that were next to impossible to pronounce and places that made no sense to me.  I decided to start where Jesus started in His ministry and that would be easy for me to find.  Everything He was supposed to have said was printed in red letters.  That was easy.  It was in the forth chapter of Matthew, the first book in the Newer Testament, the 17th verse, where he says, "Repent, for the kingdom of Heaven is at hand,"

Repent!  Repent?  I had no idea of what that word should mean to me.  Although I had been attending church for most of my life, I could not recall of anyone who had ever even mentioned the word.  And I was supposed to be meeting with someone I thought knew everything there was to know about the Bible?

I looked out of the window of the bus as it roared through the deserts of Arizona as if I was asking for help in defining that word, repent.  I have no idea as to how long it took for me to start recalling my childhood, but then I was and in particular, it was those arguments my Mother used to have with my Grandfather about the "costs" of keeping me on the farm.  I recalled that I was surprised by what my Grandfather was saying as I had thought I had been helping them - as sort of payment, but what hurt me was the fact that it did not sound as if I would ever be living with her.  It was through those arguments that I would learn my Father was seriously ill and now as I reflected on those conversations, I remembered that I knew my Father had died, but no one had ever told me what had happened.  I knew that I grew up almost hating my Mother for abandoning me - at least that was the way I thought about it, and now I began to realize, I had a real reason to repent.  I no longer loved my Mother; in a sense, I hated her.  I had real reasons to repent.

And I tried to do just that.  But I began to realize I had other issues.  I always seemed to reset my friends for what they had and I did tot have in way of clothes, toys, parents that did things for them, like taking vacations and I never had anything like that.  I had vividly remembered the trip my uncle took my grand parent to visit the World Fair in NY City and I thought, I would never get to do anything like that. Even when I was getting ready to graduate from high school, the others were talking about college and I just knew, I could never do that.  Issue after issue flooded my mind and now, I had failed my marriage and my responsibility for my children.  I was doing my best to make sure the others on the bus did not see me or worse, hear me.

So, I prayed and sobbed, sobbed and prayed, until it stopped.  A peace came over me that just the thought of how it felt thrills me to this very hour.  "God", I pleaded, "does this mean You have forgiven me?"  I happened to look out of the window of the bus and it was dark outside and raining.  I could see the lightning flashing against the mountains in the distance and as it did, I watched the wind of the bus as it raced through the night, sort of "rolling up" the road dirt and pushing it across the window.  I thought, "Oh my, does this mean my sins are being washed away?" - a phrase I had heard so often in church.  I don't know how to explain it, I felt that they had.  I vowed to God, I was through with "sin" as I knew it, in my life.  So, I turned on the overhead light and began to read so more.

That too, was amazing.  I had tried several times over the years to read my Bible.  I always seemed to have one available, but it was lost cause.  I would read a few verses and quit a as it seemed like I would never understand what it was saying - to me.  Now, I could not get enough and it seemed, every verse I read had a definite meaning to me.

February 15, 2014

It was May 10, 1975, Saturday, tomorrow would be Mother's Day, only there would not be any cards, any telephone calls, we were not on the same page, regarding either of our lives.  Today, I was on a bus headed for Tulsa, OK, hoping to find answers for my life so that I could get on with it.

Night was falling and we were crossing the desert, in route to Phoenix, AZ.  I had always loved seeing the desert as the sun came up; now, I was enjoying it as the sun was setting.  Beautiful.. peaceful...

I went to sleep, awoke as we were pulling into the bus station.  Time for breakfast.  Afterwards, we were headed towards Flagstaff, such a beautiful day.  I began to realize that I was going to meet with a "man of God" who probably would have forgotten more about the Bible than I had ever learned.  I had an opportunity to review what I did know.  I knew about the "red" letters, the words that Jesus used as He moved about.  I looked for the "red" letters where he started His ministry - Matthew 4:17.

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."  I had learned a lot about His origin, I knew that He was God incarnate, so I could understand most of what He was saying, but - repent?  What did that mean?  I had been attending church for most of my life, but I could not recall ever hearing anyone talk about the need to - repent.   I looked out of the window in the direction the bus was travelling and in the distance I could see a mountain.  I looked at it for a few minutes and decided to ask of the mountain, "God, if you are there, tell me about this word, repent."

I cannot recall how long it took, but soon after I asked that question, I began to think of life on the farm, of the days when I felt like I had been abandoned by my Mother, and the arguments I had overheard between my Mother and my Grandfather concerning the costs of my care and the times I had seen my Mother come to the farm dressed in such fancy clothes, often in the company of men dressed in fancy clothes and the tears I had shed, wondering why my pals all had Fathers except me.  And now I was thinking about my feelings toward my Mother.  She never seemed like a Mother.   I compared her to her younger Sister who always seemed to care for me; often it seemed, out of pity for me.  I began to realize, I had very little love for her as a Mother.  And now in this moment on the bus, I began to realize how wrong I had been as I knew nothing of the life she had to live after the death of my Father. Now, I realized, I had reason to repent and I burst into tears, pleading with God to forgive me.

To my amazement, the day had passed, the sun had set and now it was raining.  As the lightning flashed in the distance, I looked more closely at the window and it seemed, the wind had rolled the water up and it was passing across the window, washing the dirt away   I was fascinated by this experience.

And then I recalled an old song from my distant past that went something like this, ..." your sins have been washed away and you have been made whiter than snow.'  I burst out crying and sobbing, I asked "Can this be true?"  And it was like all of heaven applauded..

Before I noticed that phenomenon of the wind and the water and the window, I had tried to turn on the overhead light so I might read more of my Bible.  It did not work.  Now, an hour or two later, I tried again and now, it worked.  Again the tears flowed.  Something had happened, but what?

I knew the answers would be found in my Bible so I started reading and the more I read, the more eager I was to read even more. It was so exciting.  I would discover familiar passages that now made real sense to me and then discover questions, I had often asked of others, now followed by answers I had longed to hear.

It wasn't long before we pulled into a rest stop in Elk City, OK.  I hurried to the restaurant, not stopping to realize, I had very little money in my pocket.  As I came through the door, the waitress looked at me and said, "My, you look bright and chipper this morning" and I replied, "I think I have been 'born again.'
and she replied, "Well, praise the Lord, sit right down and I'll fix you a breakfast worthy of your new calling."  I didn't order.  She brought me steak and eggs and biscuits and I began to wonder if I had enough to pay her.  "No way," she exclaimed, "the Father has already paid me enough."  Well, I left her a tip and moved on.

All the way into Tulsa, I kept reading and marveling at the experience.  As soon as I got off the bus, I went to a pay phone and called ORU where I hoped to meet my new mentor.  "I'm sorry, but this is Commencement Day and afterwards, he and his wife are leaving on vacation."  "That's OK," I replied, "I think I have been talking with his boss."