A Flawed Legacy - 36

Well, I am almost done with "flawed legacies".  I am about to leave one behind, that is for certain, and the purpose of this blog is to offer my children now, a look "into" the person they have known so little about and a life they hardly have had a chance to know at all.

One day, I was there, the next day I was gone, and they were left - almost, on their own.  If there was any way I could change any of that, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I hate the feeling they must have and I am to blame.  However, I was left without a father, literally, from the day I was born and only by the grace of God was I raised in a responsible home with grand parents who loved me as their own.  But, my point will be, I have personally known dozens - if not, hundreds, of fatherless children who have made a better life for themselves.  Something that seemed difficult for me to do and so, what follows will take a closer look at my life through my eyes as they were and are today.

"Nan", our grand mother, took me home to Yale, MI, from Ohio, when I was a little over three years old and used to delight telling others, I stood the whole way, gazing out of the windows.  I guess I wanted to see what I could see.  I don't know of the first time I fell and scratched my knees, but I would bet I ran to "Nan" who would hug me and tell me, ..."everything's going to be OK."

And it wasn't until I saw the neighborhood kids getting new bikes and going to new places that I did not and learning to do whatever I was asked to do, that I began to realize, I was somehow, different.  My mother would come up to the farm and ask how I was doing and sometimes, pull me close so that I got a smell of her perfume, but I soon learned that I was living on a "performance based" schedule as far as she was concerned.  I began to pray that she would marry one of the guys who would tag along on her visits, but that never happened.  I did well in school, very well indeed, but when it came time for others to talk about going to college, I was told there was no money.

Along came World War II and the possibilities of a college education and I jumped at the opportunity, even though I had not completed high school.  I would get my diploma because I passed a GED test and that was all that was required.  During the first week in the service - I think I have mentioned that in an earlier blog, I was left behind and that thought fit perfectly with my experience on the farm.  So, I was gone. No one seemed to care.  Fortunately, the military had to care and so I went where I was scheduled to go, according to their schedule.   It would stay that way for the following seven years.  I did not have to think about where I was going, what I would be doing, who was directing me and all of that - and more, and it all began to sink in.  It was not MY fault if something went wrong, it was THEIR fault.

I would wind up in the Korean War and when I came home, no one seemed to notice, no one asked about where I had been, what I had done, even though if they had asked, I was prepared to go on for hours on just a few of my many experience.  I was in Hawaii four different times, for God's sake. Everyone else would drool a the thought of just going there.  But for me, there were no questions, apparently, no one cared.

I got out of the Air Force to go to school, to get a college degree, go back in and retire when I was forty years old.  That was my plan, but I screwed up.  I wound up living in my mother's apartment and I hated it.  A gal said she loved me and so I got out of that apartment and was married, to a gal who worked for the airlines.  We could fly everywhere she said.  I bought into that as well.  But I was popular in college and soon there were social commitments as I became the President of the student body.  I went alone as she did not want to go.  There were pretty girls everywhere, some even daring to ask about the absence of my wife.  I graduated and took a job I would hate because it offered more money than the jobs I thought I might like.  I quit the one I hated and took one I thought would be great and I failed miserably.  Whose fault?   Hers, of course.  So, I left town, got drunk often, found jobs that I enjoyed and succeeded until it was discovered I drank too much.

One morning, I woke up after a night of drinking, felt bad and so, I went to church.  Guess what.  I found people who loved me and one in particular loved me so much, we went to bed together and she became pregnant, so we hurried on with the wedding plans.  Our first child was born and she was beautiful beyond words.  I was so proud of both her and her mother.  It was - to that point, the greatest moment in my life.  I had a great job, really great prospects and it blew up in our faces.   Not my fault, that time! We moved on with thanks to my sister and with a little effort and a boost from a business associate, we were on our way again.  Another pregnancy, but this one almost aborted as a result of an argument.  She survived, however, and then there was a son.  All the while, my job was working for me - for a change, until something happened that I still do not understand.   However, a friend was standing by with an even better job, this one with a car and the harder I worked, the more success we had.  There was another pregnancy and another son.  Again, life was good.  We even found an apartment where part of our rent was paid by our merely collecting the rents for the other tenants.  Then, there was the case of the missing money and my wife confessed to me, it was her fault. 

What I failed to mention a few lines ago, there was money missing from a neighbor's mail box and it was taken by my wife.  She wound up with a Federal charge and a sentence of ten years in prison, but freed on probation.  Now, with another case of missing money, she was headed for prison, for sure.  I loved her, I did not want her in prison, so I accepted the charge and was tried for grand larceny. Before the trial began, an Assistant AG and I had examined the books of the owners and found a number of discrepancies and referred to them as I was on the witness stand.  The Judge listened and declared that I was innocent.  Of course, that caused some questions in the minds of my employer and they fired me, only I found a new job, a better job with more potential.  Unfortunately, they did not return the payroll deductions taken from employees and the IRS closed that business.

At this point, I no longer believed anyone.  I hated myself for being so stupid on a umber of counts and I suspect that wore on my wife.  She took the children and moved out.  When I lost the job I had, we talked and agreed to get back together, to work hings out and even moved to San Diego to get a new start  life, each vowing there would be no more problems.  That didn't last long.  She was arrested again and when I realized our problems were not all of her fault, I sought help.  It meant leaving our children in "Foster" homes while she was being examined prior to her sentencing and before I knew it, she was back out of prison, had taken the children out of the places they were staying.  As far as I know, they are still with her.

I no longer cared.  I cared for our children but as long as she could get in and out of prison and prison sentences, there was nothing further I could do.  I did my best to provide what the State required me to pay for their support and that was all that I could do.

I know, I was for awhile, re-united with my youngest daughter but I made a mistake she did not care to discuss with me and that ended that.  If you want to know the rest of my story - watch this space in the future

A Flawed Legacy - 11

Getting enrolled at Georgia Tech was easier than crossing a street on a green light.  I was really surprised as I had anticipated some of the problems we encountered regularly in the military.

It was a whole lot easier than my efforts to get started on the studies involved.  I had to remember that I had only attended three years in high school and it had been seven years since I had sat in on a lecture that would eventually require me to answer questions on a test that would determine my future.  I had no problems with the English classes and the Drafting course I was taking.  Math, Algebra, was another situation and I might as well have been studying a foreign language when it came to understanding what my Physics instructor was saying.  I was about the realize the situation I was in.  My fellow students were much younger and they were the "cream of the crop" from the schools they were used to attending.

Fortunately, my counselor found a remedial course in Algebra I could attend and waived the requirement for Science classes until I had time to study the definitions being used in most classes.  By the time I realized I was not going to make it at Georgia Tech, the college had suggested that I ought  to consider other possibilities.

It was then that I discovered that in the heart of Atlanta, there was a relatively new college being established and they were looking for veterans with GI Bill scholarships.  So, I transferred to what was known in those days as the Atlanta Division of the University of Georgia; nowadays highly regarded at Georgia Sate University.  They moved me into the upper classes in Business Administration and I took to that curriculum like the proverbial duck to water.  I even found that in spite of my problems with math at Tech, I excelled in Accounting.  So much so that my Professor almost insisted I change my major to Accounting and he would assure me of a advanced scholarship so that I could become a CPA. I had no interest in "pencil pushing" and it was out of the questions as far as I was concerned.

In the meantime, I had been living on my Mother's couch in her one bedroom apartment. Whether moving out of that situation or meeting a gal in Sunday school was my motivation, but we decided to get married.  As a result, I was shocked to hear my Mother's response when I told her that I planned to get married.  "Sherwood, there has never been a divorce in our family."  What?  I thought I had told her I was planning on getting married, not getting a divorce.  Later I will share some thoughts on what she had said, but not for the moment.

We were married and moved into an apartment closer to where my bride worked as a Secretary for an executive in Delta Airlines headquarters.  We had talked about future plans I had when I graduated and that was to get a Commission in the Air Force and hopefully, travel to many of the places where we had Air Force bases.  She seemed interested and especially, the thought of travelling and so we were off to a good start.  Then, I began to realize that even though I had become President of the "day school" and was obligated to attend various school programs, they held no interest to her.  The only time I recall her visiting the college was when we had an "awards" program and I came away with quite a number of the awards.  She and my Mother were very proud and I was embarrassed.

Prior to graduation, I had made another decision.  I wanted more than anything to become a Father as I had never known the love of my own Father.  He died - unknown to me at the time, when I was living with my grandparents and none of them seemed to realize that it might have been important to me. Anyway, we had refrained from the possibility that she might become pregnant, but now I suggested it was time to consider the possibilities.  It would never happen.

I found my first civilian job with a major oil company and was grouped with three others from the same graduating class in a management "training" class.    It seemed like a good idea and I did my best to put up with the juvenile attitudes of my fellow trainees, even though I tried to demonstrate the knowledge of "administration" I had learned in the Air Force.  It was not working so I made attempts to opt out of the situation and when that failed, I offered my resignation.  I found another "opportunity" with a marketing firm and thought I had found an excellent transition from my military experience.  However, there was trouble at home with the reluctance to attempt a pregnancy as it seemed, her employment future was far more impressive than mine.  By that time, I had a sales territory out of the city and even though I was trying to balance my home life with my career, it was not working.  I felt trapped, so I made a move that still makes me wonder why.  I simply packed up my clothes, said good bye to our dog and left town.

In retrospect, it was a stupid move as I was turning my back on friends that I had made in college and in my interests in a political career and worse, I had no idea where I might be headed.

February 10, 2014

Leaving Georgia and everything that it had meant to me, I headed West, to St. Louis where I was to realize there was nothing there for me, old friends, no longer even acquaintances.  Onward, California seemed to be a good idea, at least an opportunity to be with my Sister and perhaps, discover all that we had missed as children growing up in difficult times.  It was the beginning for us...

Hardly a beginning for me as I discovered how I would enjoy living on the dark side of life, drinking too much, avoiding drugs, but not many of the other temptations.

Then, I met a man, not personally, but his book, "Think and Grow Rich" by Napolean Hill.  I devoured it, line by line, page by page and vowed, my life could change, my life would change.

The first step was getting rid of my pride, the cupboard filled with booze.  The next step, a serious attempt to discover what church should mean to me.  After all, I had been "in" church for all of my life, never as a refuge, but as a place where I could discover encouragement to "be" good, great ideas, but something I could never reconcile to being a part of my daily life.

Now I took it seriously, made good friends, and even better, I thought at the time, a girl who agreed that we ought to be married.  That was a good idea, she was pregnant and in due course, the most beautiful moment in my life, our first daughter was born.  I have never been so proud in all of my life.

If only my career measured up.  The first thing we knew, it had collapsed.  Because of necessity, we moved in with my sister and new opportunities developed in due course.  Another daughter was on the way, but now there was a problem.  At seven month, her mother's "water" broke and she would be born prematurely.   I would learn the value of brokeness - if there ever was such a word.  It would be weeks before she was home from the hospital and even more visits as she was subject to bouts of pneumonia because of the fact her lungs were not developed as they should have been.

My employment opportunities seemed to be growing as I was now working for a former boss, a man I thought to be my friend.   Another child came along, this time a boy.

We were doing well when another tragedy struck.  For reasons still unknown to me, my wife stole mail from our neighbor's mail boxes and used the credit cards she would discover.  She faced ten years in prison and all I could do was stand by her side, praying for mercy.  It came about when the Judge gave her a better option than prison, an opportunity to come home and live a normal life.

In a sense, it ended my tenure with my employer in the form of a more excellent promise of earnings and a car, to boot.  I accepted the offer and we moved from where we were living.  The job prospects grew and then, another tragedy.  We had moved into an apartment complex and were offered the task of collecting rents with an agreement to lower our rent.  It appeared to be a real opportunity, until...

Until there was rent money missing.  The management blamed us, of course, I blamed my wife as I knew I was not involved and eventually, the both of us were arrested.  And I almost forgot, along the way, a second son was born.

Knowing that my wife would surely go to prison as the Judge had promised earlier, so I made the dumbest move I could possibly make.  I plead guilty and was ordered to trial.  Fortunately, the DA's office assigned one of their people to investigate and he asked me to be present as he monitored the accounts of our landlord.  There was no evidence that the "lost" money could be traced to us, so I was encouraged to go to trial without a jury, to let the Judge determine guilt or innocence, based on my testimony and that of the building management.  He ruled that I was NOT guilty.

Life moved on except for the fact my employer did not seem to agree with the ruling of the courts.  I had been responsible for thousands of dollars we were paying to transient employees and although there was no evidence of shortages in my accounts, I was fired.

I was offered another job, in the same business, and an opportunity to prove my skills as a manager and sales executive.  I did extremely well as did our company until it was discovered, our management chose to ignore their responsibility to forward the taxes collected from our hundreds of transient employees.  It didn't take long for the IRS to enforce their obligations and the business closed.

I was never as dismayed as I was when reviewing the recent past.  Fortunately, I did not go back to drinking and I did discover another job with a nice guy who had purchased a franchise in the business with which I was most familiar.  We were doing quite well when my life decided to take the kids and move away.  I can't say that I blamed her as I was probably a disappointment to her, but the move was more than I could handle at the time.

There is an old adage that "time heals all wounds" (or conversely, wounds all heels) and nothing might be more applicable to our life as the following months would reveal.

I probably lost credibility with my boss and I could not blame him, so in due course we would part ways.  With such an act pending, I contacted my wife to see if there was any chance at reconciliation.

There was and I moved to the community where she was living, where my sister was living also, and it wasn't long before I had a new employer; three in fact, as we had enormous bills to pay.  It went well for us except for the fact, it seemed like, every other day I was discovering bills that she had incurred that I had no knowledge of.   I had an offer to work for a company operating in San Diego and we agreed, if we moved there - an ideal community for employment and for the children, it would be the end of stealing and the end of bank accounts opened with the minimum and spending to the maximum.

We agreed.

But it didn't take long for promises to disappear.  There would be another invasion of our neighbor's mail boxes and I decided there was no longer any hope for us.  I had assured her I would do nothing to help if such an occasion arose.  I watched as they took her to jail and said nothing.  I did not attend her trial nor did I offer to bring the children to see her when she went to prison for a period of observation.

What to do for our children was my greatest concern.   They loved their Mother and I was more than just aware of things she had told them about me - lies for the most part, but life had taken its toil on all of us.  I sought counsel with church elders and was devastated when they had no suggestions.  There is no way I can explain my feelings at that point.  I even thought of suicide; even bought a gun, but would wind up throwing it away.   I called a religious group's phone number to share my grief and would up hearing that it would be good if I sat down with their leader to discuss - possibilities.

Great!  He was in Tulsa, OK and I was in San Diego, CA.  Sounded impossible.  But then, I had a visit from the area "Family Relations" people that had obviously been sent because of what my wife was telling them about me.  We worked through our differences and I brought up the possibility of placing the children on "foster" care for ninety days while I sorted out my options.  They agreed and within a couple of weeks, I was on a bus headed for Tulsa.

February 4, 2014

Well now, by now you have discovered that I have learned far too little to be attempting to create an interesting blog, but I have an excellent mentor who is indeed, patient and kind, and most of all, one who encourages me to continue.  So I will, the thought being, I have lived a long time, experienced many things that many will never experience and I come face to face with a world that is rapidly changing and I object, not because it is merely my opinion, but there are some facts that need close examination.

What I have attempted to do so far is lay out the experiences of my early years where most of my instincts had been honed by the grandparents who provided hearth and home to a little boy who was denied the experiences of a Father and far too often, the absence of a Mother who only seemed to care for her only son.  Looking back on those early years, I still have to wonder how I had arrived at the conclusions that seemed to indicate, I needed to get away from the frustrations of trying to impress others that I was a good boy.

But now, having traveled half way around this globe on which we all live, grown up in the "man's" world that was the Air Force in those days, and realizing I was poorly prepared to create a future, I walk through the halls of one of nation's most prominent educational institutions, Georgia Tech, and discover my inadequacies.  I had not realized I would be competing for grade marks withe some of the brightest high school graduates in the nation, but I tried.  My first failure was in Algebra, but an older Professor recognized my problem and had me withdraw and re-enter, remedial Algebra.  That really helped and I would pass with a "B" grade.  Then came Physics and here I was an absolute failure.  My classmates could real off answers to the question while I was still trying to interpret the questions.  With that I went to an Adviser who suggested I might consider withdrawing and attending another college where my experiences would be more appropriate.

I consulted with my VA counselor and he suggested the University of Georgia but a visit reminded me that while it might offer a more appropriate study schedule, the campus seemed to be inundated with "kids" enjoying their first "home" away from home.  On my way back to Atlanta, I met a man who told me about a man he knew, who had been on staff at Georgia Tech but was now opening a new college in downtown Atlanta, to be known as the Atlanta Division of the University of Georgia.  That could be the solution to my concerns and so I was enrolled for the Fall semester.  It was more than a good place to meet my needs, it was convenient and I would discover, the faculty rolls revealed many excellent educators.  I was - at home and my grades reflected my intent to excel.

One thing, I was older than a majority of the students and I was barely settled in before I was elected as the leader of a number of student groups, which eventually led to my election of the Day School student body.   There was also a Night School student body and since we were good friends, I felt that I was not only getting an education, this "Yankee" boy was being accepted by most of my fellow students.

I also made a very serious mistake.   Living with my Mother in a one bedroom apartment was not the the most accommodating place for study and absolutely no place to entertain others.   It wasn't long before I met a nice gal who was attending the same church, and nature took its course.   We decided to get married even though she claimed to be five years older.  It wasn't until we were filling out the license application that I noticed, she was not just five years older, but ten.  Looking back, I should have walked away, but I did not.  The farce that would become  the foundation of our marriage would continue for almost five years and I just, left town and never returned.

Now, I had to look back.  I was a proud and perhaps a bit vain when I left the Air Force.  I looked on college a just another opportunity to succeed as I had in the Air Force and I did not even come close.
Now, I would be divorced and in those days, most employers looked at this as a sign of potential failure and to be honest, I had not done well in either of the two jobs I had after graduating.

It was time for an honest personal evaluation.   Looking back today, I wonder why I just continued on as if nothing on importance had happened, other than my success in the military.  Why I did not consider re-enlisting has always confused me.  I could have retired in my early 40's and with a college degree, there were all sorts of opportunities I might have taken advantage of.  But I did not.

Which brings me to the reason for creating this blog.   I am like tens of thousands of others who "ran" into the future without any realistic goals and wind up as middle aged wondering why life has passed them by.  I suspect I have interviewed hundreds of men - and women, like that and never realized I was - more often than not, looking into a mirror of my own life.

Hope to see you, tomorrow...